deciding

I'm wide awake now, looking down at mountains poking up out of a rippling sea of clounds, side-lit by the dawn.  In a plane, not on a mountaintop, but still striking.

The problem is as always:  how to spend the moments of time.  Deciding on each one is maybe the most wasteful; but hooking into precanned entertainment is not something I want in me.   I would like to decide for myself, mindfully, what to do with my time.  Most of it is already taken: work, deadlines, paperwork, and the good part, attentioning the kids.  Sweet sleep and exercise are worthy too.  But - what am I building, creating, or figuring out that is of any lasting worth?   Most code is useless within a few years; or worse, still has to be supported 20 years later!

Even if I'd written a transport layer used by millions (without their realizing it, of course) I don't think it would be what I really want to contribute.  Writing must be it, though to communicate values or patterns it will have to be more entertaining than this!

For some reason I love reading introspective writing myself.  Hunger of Memory was liberating, because it seemed to make it ok to muse in a bit of a heavy-handed way, to use beautiful language constructs, if that is who you are.  Well - this is me.  I am stuck in that middle piece of music, the pensive part before the lively bars continue, because I'd like to pick which way to run and dance.